Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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