I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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