do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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