Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Randomize
