drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
