My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
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we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
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But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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