I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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