I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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