he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
