I must be too annoying 4 u.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
