Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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