Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
