i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Congratulations! We have a period
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