I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
