so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
