P.S. I can't hear my feet
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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