Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize