I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
