oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
