I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Couch. On fire.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
