I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
