i jhust puked up my retainher.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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