Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
