Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.