and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize