bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
organizing the empties. That sober.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
