I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
