you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
