I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
