the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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