she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
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Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
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She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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