the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
