Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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