My liver just broke up with me...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
