please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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