I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
