i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
