Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
