Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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