I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
