She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This is the high leading the old right now
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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