She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize