it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
