ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
