fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
