Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
