I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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