Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Did I show you my penis last night?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
