i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
