i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize