Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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