i don't plan on having that self control this summer
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
