I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
